I’m not sure exactly
when the darkness came to call
He stealthily pursued me
till he was sure that I would fall
Dense just like a shadow
Formless huge and black
He sought out all my dreams
And at once commenced attack
His invasion was so stealth-like
A slowly building dread
He crippled all enthusiasm
As he tampered with my head
He brought along anxiety
Then panic would appear
And they were soon accompanied
By the worst thing, which was fear
In my 50 years of living
As each day and week went by
I’d never contemplated
Wanting just to die
But descending oh so slowly
To the chasm of despair
The thought of just enduring
Was impossible to bear
Overwhelming panic
Every day it soon appeared
Then fear it was inevitable
Its dark head it always reared
Breathless and so terrified
I’d look for some relief
And a return to my normality
Which he’d stolen like a thief
I’d wake in the morning
And the darkness would greet me
Inside my head
His job to defeat me
How could I get
To the end of each day
With this serial mind killer
Wanting to play
Fear is so terrible
when it lives in your head
Each hour and each minute
Every second you dread
How can science cure me
When it can’t see my soul?
And I’m down in the darkness
In a swirling black hole
Daily I battled
For what seemed like a year
To push back the panic
And manage the fear
You feel so alone
And you wish you were dead
As you battle the darkness
Invading your head
Little by little
I crawled up that wall
Making small progress
Though sometimes I’d fall
I longed for the daylight
For the soft light of hope
And the sweet, blessed knowledge
That soon I would cope
Slowly and surely
with courage I’d dare
To finally crawl out
of that pit of despair
I learned that the darkness
was thoughts that aren’t real
They’re just pictures and stories
I’m not meant to feel
Chemicals hormones
and my own DNA
Were the special ingredients
with which he would play
The science behind
all the issues I had
were the cure for the darkness
no matter how bad
When the darkness returns
Which he still likes to do
I know how to fight him
Cos he brings nothing new
My CBT skills
Have me now well prepared
And I’m now able for him
though at times I’m still scared
I now live each moment
and each day I’m so glad
To have peace from the darkness
and to greet joy and sad
I’m grateful for moments
for each smile and each tear
But most grateful of all
I can conquer my fear
This poem is by Siedbh Lonergan about her experience with depression and anxiety