I grew up in Co Tipperary, a happy childhood, with loving parents, lots of friends and hobbies, did well in school and headed to college in Cork, then Dublin before going overseas to Malawi for 5 years. Throughout my childhood and into adulthood I never recall any issues with my mental health.
But then in December 2017, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 47, which is quite a late diagnosis. Most people are diagnosed in their 20s. It’s hard to say when a change happened in my life but I had a number of years of stress and trauma in the early 2000s – leading up to my mum passing in 2013, and I got married 6 weeks later. I have no idea how I got through the day, but I guess reality hadn’t hit me. There was a lot happening and I was pretty down, but the tendency is to be diagnosed as depressed and given anti-depressants. But, of course, I wasn’t just depressed, and this is the tricky thing. Let’s face it, who goes to the doctor when you are feeling great. It’s difficult to get a diagnosis due to the nature of the illness, so many people suffer for decades.
Getting a diagnosis
I was seeing a psychologist in a hospital, and my husband and friends saw a change in my behaviour – I was quite hyper, but I just thought I was in great form. I love Christmas FM – who doesn’t at Christmas time! But I had it blaring at top volume in three rooms of the house, which isn’t normal behaviour. So my husband came with me to the next appointment on Christmas week 2016 and immediately the psychologist reckoned I had bipolar disorder. They sent me to the GP and set up an appointment with a psychiatrist in January 2017. I saw my psychiatrist for a year and was put on mood stabilisers but that wasn’t working, and it felt like I was in a washing machine. In October I had to go on sick leave. I tried everything from acupuncture, hypnotherapy, yoga, mindfulness, etc, but they were not shifting things, so my psychiatrist recommended that I be admitted into hospital. I was admitted in November, diagnosed in December, and discharged in March.
When I asked my psychiatrist what caused this to surface so late in life, he replied that bipolar can be triggered by stress and trauma which is frightening given the level of stress that people live with today.
Once diagnosed, as awful as it sounds, it was a relief as now I could work with something and focus on understanding it and how to manage it, so I feel blessed for that. From there, my journey really began.
My experience of living with bipolar disorder
Living with bipolar is like a seesaw and I’m trying to balance it from not dipping into low mood and depression or high mood and mania.
When my mood is high, I feel fantastic. I am full of energy, talk a lot, I’m full of amazing ideas, like writing a book, or holding a photographic exhibition. And in this state, I believe everything is possible. But at times, I can get frustrated when others don’t agree or see my ideas as realistic.
During this higher mood I tend not to sleep well, often feeling that I don’t need to sleep, that there is too much to do! Three days can go by with no sleep at all! My activity on social media tends to increase, as does my spending online. All seem like great ideas at the time, but eventually the body crashes as it can’t sustain this level of activity.
Then the seesaw shifts and dips into a low mood or depression. Shame descends and feelings of hopelessness. I start giving out to myself – why did I do that, why did I buy that dress, those shoes or send that message.
A lot of self-blaming happens. I start to think negatively about myself. I then isolate myself from family and friends, and I stop engaging in social activities or physical fitness. Basically, a lot of my self-care practices go out the window. During this period, I even take less photographs which is one of my passions in life. This is a period of heightened shame, a painful feeling of humiliation and distress.
For me, I find myself living in depression more often than mania and its tough going. I shouldn’t say it, but those moments of high moods initially come as a very welcome shift from depression – but I know it’s also not a good thing. The biggest challenge is believing the moods ‘will pass’.
Steven Fry said it’s like the weather in your head: “When it’s raining, it’s raining…you have to believe it will be bright the next day.”
And this is the challenge – believing things will pass as they always do. It’s just not always easy to believe when you are in it. You must be hopeful and not fight it which never helps. The challenge is achieving the balance and when it does happen, it feels great – great to enjoy life again, to reconnect with friends and family, to make solid decisions and value your life again.
Managing my illness
Although bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition for many people, you can manage your mood swings and other symptoms.
To manage my illness and balance the seesaw, the following are really important to me:
– Having a great working relationship with my psychiatrist that I trust, who helps to get my medication right and is always there to support me when I need it.
– Having psychological support through a therapist or counsellor is important to me. I have just started a 3 month DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) programme which I am particularly excited about. Remember that it is important to be brave and try different people if you don’t feel that your current therapist/doctor is the right fit for you.
– Joining a support group. The power of your peers can be really something. I have come out of support groups feeling much lighter and the low mood has lifted the next day. It’s a special space and something people should consider. Aware, SHINE and GROW all organise support groups around the country and the great thing is they are free which is amazing.
– The area of self-care is important for us all. For me, it is essential. It’s that balance in life of a good sleep practice, healthy eating, acupuncture and photography.
For me, photography has helped me through so much. I call it my mindful practice. And it is the one area I don’t drop when the mood changes. Well, I perhaps take less photos during low mood. But I don’t stop completely and this is really important for me.
– I journal every day and track my mood and ensure I identify three things I am grateful for that day. It can be as small as having a lovely cup of tea, capturing a nice photograph, or walking the dog in the park. No matter how bad or dark the day is, there is always something positive – it’s just not always easy to see it.
– And finally, I have to remember to be compassionate to myself as I can be very hard on myself when the mood dips and shame kicks in with my inner critic telling me lots of negative things about myself, such as how useless I am, and so on. None of which of course are true, but it feels very real in the moment.
A message of hope
I believe that stigma, including self-stigma, shame and discrimination are big issues for all of us living with mental illnesses. But these are learned attitudes and behaviours. I really believe they can be unlearned through education, awareness, and listening to the lived experiences of people like me.
Through the work of Aware, we can begin to break down the stigma and the silence that it creates.
I believe that it’s critical that these conversations are happening in the workplace as we spend so much time of our lives there.
The impact of silence is immense – through sharing my story I hope I have broken down some stigma or at least provided some insights into living with bipolar disorder.
It’s not always easy, but the more we talk, and the more people listen, I believe change can happen.
Bipolar disorder has brought so many positive things into my life. I’ve met some great people along the way. This blog for Aware gives me the opportunity to raise awareness around mental health issues and specifically bipolar disorder, which is fantastic. I’m claiming back my life and engaging in lots of new things as part of my self-care.
There is hope for change – change which will benefit everyone and not just those of us living with mental health illnesses.
This blog is by Bernadette Crawford as part of a blog series for World Bipolar Day.